Here she is the Go Girl Gremlin. Her voice is supportive at first “That’s a great vision, yah got there,” she assures me. “You gotta go for this!!” she eggs me on. So I bang out my thoughts, collect inspiring images, gather supportive data, and create a plan to fulfill what I now believe wholeheartedly is an original and brilliant idea; or I’ve settled on what my next courageous personal fulfillment pursuit will be.
I am rolling along and she is encouraging me. I note signs in front of me as an affirmation that I am absolutely on the right track. And Then WHAM!Out of nowhere doubt rolls in, like a massive San Francisco Bay fog bank coming across the Golden Gate Bridge. I can no longer see my brilliance right in front of me. I doubt my ability to do anything. Forget about starting a company I’ve had the business plan for, for over three years. Never mind my desire to fulfill one of my longest held bucket list items -balancing on a board while propelling myself forward over rolling waters. NO WAY!“You’re just not capable,” she tells me now. My Go Girl is a Gotcha Girl. “I was mistaken,” she retorts, “maybe someone else can do it, but not you. You are not smart enough with money to run a business. Folks won’t really pay to hear you speak or even begin to consider spending their money on a retreat you would put together for them.” “SHWANG!” “And as for that paddle board thing, uh… yeah, No. You are never going to feel completely confident on or in the water, especially big waves! And beyond that you aren’t even strong enough to lift your SUP board onto the top of your car. Better luck next life chica.”
My freedom chain has been jerked and the courage in my heart deeply questioned, even denied. I am wrapped up in an exquisite form of fear bondage. Thanks for the reminder of the very things my clients face as I coach them week after week.
Last Monday I am sitting in my office with peaceful images surrounding me; small statues of deities from my worldly travels invoking the magical powers I was told they possess at purchase; positive affirmations on colorful pieces of paper so my eyes wander over them post computer focus; and a few candles strategically placed via Feng Shui standards as I click away at my computer. Lists and piles of papers cover parts of my desk as reminders to keep me on task and inspire my thoughts. I am planning, visioning, dreaming a company that touches and changes the lives of women. A company designed to give other women a sense of their freedom within and without. I imagine our journeys together kayaking across vast waters in pursuit of finding a woman’s edge of courage, dipping into the valleys of each of their doubts and climbing the mountains of each one’s minds and emotions to claim, “I’ve Got A Life.” This company, IGAL, is an idea I came up with about five years ago. I wrote up the business plan for it with the BIG help of a dear friend three years ago. At that moment I was working on the budget of what it will take to get it started, what I will pay myself at first, how much I will charge. It is the not-so-fun part for me. I prefer the visioning stuff and my Go Girl Gremlin knows it. She has been dormant for hours, days, even weeks, but when I pick at this part of my plan she no longer remains silent. Sometimes she goes for the jugular. “You aren’t responsible enough to run a company!” She tries to paralyze me, “… and there is no way you are worth (insert any amount of money here), so just give it up.” Once she silenced me for three years!
Lately I am recognizing her more quickly. I can hear her approach; sometimes I anticipate her arrival around certain subjects, such as money. I am getting to know her better all the time. She is not happy about my evolution. I am. Last week she lost her grip long enough for me to make an appointment and keep it with a wonderful man at the Small Business Incubator. He will be helping me figure out how to finish my budget and make IGAL a reality this year. I know she will resurface. I know I have to work with her till she is a teeny tiny voice in my mind. Until she diminishes into a more meager voice in my head I say, “SHWANG right back atcha Go Girl!”
This is the not the end of the Go Girl Gremlin story so check back for our adventures together on my SUP board.